troubled and weiry, sick

May 1st 2000

I miss the boat.

I'm frustrated all the time now it seems. I don't know my way around here at all, and I dislike using my cane indoors. I'm covered in bruises from knocking into things, and Ewling is having a fit every time I break something. Poor thing is stressed beyond wits end with Grandmother having been ill. I home she keeps getting better, I don't like to imagine how it would be for Father if she died.

It feels odd being back, especially now. Tomorrow is the anniversary...I promised myself I would try and leave something for my respects, but I'm nervous. I know it's been to years, an if they were truly wanting to send us away to Azkaban they would have found us by now, but those who know what I've done wouldn't hesitate to call me on it, I'm sure. Perhaps Rudy or Father will take me..or I'll try to find my way myself. I need to get used to London sooner rather then later.

London is muggy and feels...sad, I find. Perhaps I just attribute it with these qualities because of my doubt, but even the walls seem to have a chill to them.
in shadow

1st January, 2000

It is a new millennium.

Some how expected something more, some great...feeling that would come upon me during such a momentous moment in time. Not that I didn't enjoy myself. I could not imagine any way I would have rather spent my night, nor two finer people.

Perhaps this will be a time for change...

I miss Ireland.
fancy, narrowed cool eyes

2nd May, 1999

It's all ready been a year.

It some ways it seems to have gone by so quickly. We've been so many places, and grown so much closer in this short time. I never thought I would reach the point where my sight didn't upset me, but it truly has become such a secondary pat of my life...I rarely notice it anymore.

Father and Rudy describe the places we go (and I thank Merlin for their splendid vocabulary)and everything sounds so beautiful. Some people say when you loose a sense your others are heightened...I think, it's more that you pay attention in a way you never did before. The abundance of sounds, textures, smells never struck me before, but's as though I'm experiencing everything for the first time.

I often wonder what's happening back home. I miss certain people, though I'm sure they don't miss me. I wonder if we'll ever return. It's been so easy to just...take up, and leave it all behind. It's so easy to just pretend all that never happened. Perhaps that's why we keep moving on, real life will catch up if we stay in one place too long.

Today though... I think today is just inescapable. So much happened on this day; everything changed. I haven't thought about it for so long now, but...I miss him. If I were back in England I could pay tribute perhaps...though likely they would frown upon that.
in bath

19th May, 1998 (Dictacted to Quick-Quotes-Quill)

I don't know what happened today. I think...everything just caught up with me all at once. I feel so empty and lost. He's dead...dead and...I mean fuck, it's really only just hit me that I'll never see him again. I didn't even get to say I lo goodbye.

And the things I did...I hurt many people, and...I know it seemed right at the time, but now I don't know what's what. I know a lot of the people I hurt didn't deserve it. It wasn't all about was about pleasing him and...the rush, but...

And what will happen when we go home? (IF we go home...) Will we be arrested?...Sometimes I think I deserve it...but I just got father back, I couldn't bare to be separated from him again.

The sun hurts my eyes, and I keep falling and knocking things over, and some days I just wish...

I can't let father see how upset I am though...

I hide in the shower lately...when I need to cry...I don't think he suspects.
taken aback

15th May, 1998 (Dictated to Quick-Quotes-Quill)

I've never been so obsessed with neatness. I just start to get used to a path and Rudolph leaves some mess or another in the of room. I don't even know what it is until I'm flat on my face. I'm still not used to the cane, sweeping in time wit my steps is surprisingly difficult, and when I continctrate too hard I loose it.

It's frustrating, trying to overcome everything I've lost. You never realize how much you'll miss a sense, nor how often you use it until you loose it. Father speaks to me, and I've only now begun to realize how little of speech is verbal. I am getting better at sense when others are around me, and where they are in reaction to myself, which has put me at ease.

I worry though, what will happen if I get separated from Father, or Rudolph. I haven't got near the skill enough to find my way on my own yet, especially in unfamiliar territory.

I don't think we're going back to England for some time; nor Ireland. I'm nervous, truth be told, but it's not safe right now. It is so strange, all this time with Father after is absence. I feel much closer to him, though it is still new to me, to have him around. I try not to take out my frustration at him. It's Ewling who suffers the brunt of it, poor thing.
in shadow

3rd May, 1998 (Dictated to Quick-Quotes-Quill)

I could have saved him.

I could have saved him, and my sight and...and I threw it all away for some kid I didn't even know. I miss him so much. I never he told hi

I'm scared. Truly scared now, something I haven't known in so long. Nothing so inescapable like this. I woke up this morning and thought it had been a dream; that when I opened my eyes I'd be able to see again. I can not describe the wrongness of opening your eyes and seeing nothing; it still shocks me each time.

The world seems so different when you can not see it. There are great gaps of nothingness, and you fear might loose yourself in the space between one room and the next. I reach out with my fingers anticipation of brushing along anything causing such a heightened tenseness it's almost unbearable.

Father is taking such good care of me, but I can tell he is at a loss as to what to do around me. I still can't believe he abandoned the battle after finding me. Despite all the darkness weighing down on me, it lightens my heart.

I heard Voldemort fell...I have no words to describe how happy this has made me.

I feel so lost...
This time to reflect has made me realize all the people I hurt...
I don't even know if Michael made it through all right.